ALEX LOPEZ

Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

What people don't understand is that depression is not just simply wallowing in sadness- it is deeper than that. It is usually caused by a triggering event, until it's not just one thing to get over from. Sadness is temporary. You go get ice cream, you're okay again. You go do something you love, you're okay again. Depression is something more than that. The things you used to love, you no longer do. You lose the energy to do basically anything. You can't move forward because there isn't a path that you can see. You don't know where you're going. You are stuck in this one place with nowhere else to go and no light to look upon. You can't move.

Depression made me feel like an empty shell, numb to any emotions. Depression is the monster that is creeping outside my window except that it is my own reflection. Depression is the monster calling me under my bed, except that it's my own voice. You don't know what it's like to be alone in a room and feel suffocated by your own presence. Depression is the darkness that I see when I close my eyes except that it never left me.

I started to question everything. My existence. Why am I here? Why am I still breathing? What am I doing with my life? Is there a point in living?

No one really noticed. People come to me and say, "You are blooming. You look happy." They will say, "You don't look sad. You don't look like you have problems." Maybe because I am able to laugh, and joke around with them. No one really knew when it's time to go to bed, I take off my mask. I cage myself in a space I created with walls no one can tear down. I was on the verge of giving up. I had no place to go. I didn't even have an idea where the fuck I wanted to go or what the fuck I wanted to happen. It's the first time I ever felt alone and isolated. Silence was so loud it told me to shut myself out.

I had consecutive nights of drinking, going anywhere, wasting my time doing irrelevant shit, anything just to escape. I didn't give a fuck what other people would think, what my parents would say. I did anything that would keep me off a dangerous place- my mind. But I never told anyone that I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear.

I did not open up to anyone because I already knew what they'd say without me telling them what's wrong. I already knew that they'd tell me that it's going to be okay. They'd tell me to cheer up and just think of positive thoughts. I already knew those are the things that I needed to do, I just didn't see the point of doing it.

I held it in. I kept it all to myself. I told myself every fucking time, "This is not you. You are stronger than this." I fought the battle within me. I trained my mind to control what thoughts I take in, to watch what words I feed it. I struggled everyday until my heart started to feel less empty. My body started to feel less heavy. I tried hard to find the thing that would keep me going- my purpose in life. I am reminded of what I really wanted to do from the beginning. Although it's vague and I haven't really put everything in motion yet, I have a destination in mind. And I am okay again, actually, I'm better than before. It didn't happen to me in the blink of an eye. It wasn't a sudden realization. I cultivated my mind to see what really matters. I surrounded myself with people who inspire me and motivate me. I did what I could to get better. Now it has been made clear to me by God. He wanted this for me. He was leading me into this direction. I only needed to trust Him and his plans for me.

To everyone out there who is struggling with something, I want to tell you that it is okay if you find it difficult to open up yourself. Sometimes it's wiser to keep things to yourself in order to learn your lessons. There are moments when we neglect to see that we are our problem. If we can spend a minute of the day, reflecting our own actions and decisions, we might learn something new. We might find out that we are also the solution to our problems.

Although sometimes it's better to not keep things to yourself. You shouldn't feel obligated to share your problems with anyone (friends or family) thinking that it is the ONLY solution. It is not. But you always have the option to share them if you feel the NEED to let it all out. If you can no longer contain your thoughts. If you think you are a ticking bomb that is going to explode at any moment. If you have become the thing that needs rescuing from yourself. If you need someone to tell you what to do. Sometimes reaching out is what saves you. Surrendering yourself by breaking down the walls you have built and being naked (showing your soul).

You only need to know which battles to fight on your own and which one to fight with help from others. If you choose to fight it on your own, nobody has the right to tell you why you shouldn't do that. If you choose to fight it by seeking help from others, you should not be judged and told that you are weak and you can't do anything yourself. Fuck them.

I fought depression by doing both. I kept my thoughts to myself, but I still surrounded myself with the people who matter to me. I knew that the person that can best help me is myself. Other people are only there for you to help you muster the strength to go on. In the end, it is still you who makes the choices.

Sometimes when we are struggling, we don't necessarily need a hell of an advice because most of the time we already know what to do. We only need to start doing it. If we cannot find it within ourselves, we need to find it in others. We need to surround ourselves with the people who can make us feel loved, help us grow, and the people who can make us like who we are. We are not alone in our struggle and there are people who appreciate our presence.

Are you a fresh graduate without work experience?

If you are, then Welcome to Adulthood! a boring, endless, fun, terrifying, challenging but worthwhile phase in life. As a fresh graduate, consider yourself a clean slate. You ask yourself, "How do I even begin? Where do I start?" I am pretty sure that these are the horrors of your life at the moment, and the thoughts that you frequently ponder :

Career Opportunities

Choosing the right career that suits your interests, skills and capabilities is not an easy task. For me, it is not simply a task but a journey. Fear will always be present. You will eventually face a tough situation where your single decision can change everything. During this time, you will be doubting your skills. You will start to contemplate life and ask yourself if this is the right thing to do or if you are just being reckless. My only advice, when you are in the same predicament as I once was, is to remember these words from Paulo Coelho. "One day or day one, you decide."

Nerve-wracking Job Interviews

Nervous because it's your first time? The key is to be prepared. That's what I think (because that's basically what our professors told us.) The reality is you would do a lot of job interviews. You would require a lot of clothes for that, too. You would also be a morning person. I mean, you have to. And you have to overcome them all. You made it through college. You got this. Whatever criticism you receive, do not be intimidated by other people's opinion. Be confident and believe in yourself.

Acquaintances

Having been exposed to the corporate world at least once will already give you an idea what to expect. You will meet different types of people and you will have to learn how to deal with them. In my experience, I always search for the reliable, optimistic and approachable type of people in the office first. The ones I know I can get along with even outside work. My ideal supervisor is an efficient and effective leader who can motivate me in coming to work. He is considerate and hardworking. He listens to his employees and respects difference in opinion or values. I have met people from work who became friends. I have also met people who owed something from me, and then disappeared like strangers they once were. These experiences are just few of the good and bad things that you might also experience.

Bills and Responsibilities

As a fresh graduate, you will start at the bottom. As early as now you need to know how to budget. My only advice, Income - Savings = Expenses. Do not save what is left after spending, but spend what is left after saving. You would not want to be a spender, especially if you are expected to help at the household. It is a necessity for you to learn how to manage your income. I am not saying that you cannot treat yourself to good stuff using your hard-earned money. Because you can, and you deserve it. Reward yourself once in a while. All that I am pointing out is to always be mindful of your priorities. You need to learn how to say no to temptations and how to control yourself from buying unnecessary things. Spending unwisely becomes a habit and it will be hard to change in the future. You wouldn't want to be empty-handed when worst comes to worst.

Life Plan

From time to time you will contemplate life. You will ask yourself, "What am I doing with my life? Are the choices I made the right ones? Is this really for me?" Guess what, we never really know the right answers to our questions. Life will just keep on giving us an unexpected turn. Everything that happens to us does not always go according to plans. Nevertheless, where we are right now teaches us valuable lessons. If you are unhappy then your situation teaches you what you do not want to be. Forgive yourself for thinking that you are not where you wanted to be because you are not good enough. Learn from your experience and use those lessons to achieve your next goal.
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The choices we make define how we live. Choices like being confident with your body and eating whatever you want vs. being ashamed of your appearance and losing esteem. The choice to move on and start anew vs. the choice to cling to the past and regret. Having to choose between living a luxurious life today or saving for financial security tomorrow. The brave decision to wake up and come to work vs. the decision to leave and pursue the career you have always dreamed of. I believe that whatever we make of these choices bring us where we are right now and it will lead us to where we are supposed to be.

You may think that we are lost now, and you need to take a stop. You can do that. You can take a stop in order for you to breathe and figure out the things you need to figure out. But do not let yourself be stuck for so long because time never stops for you. Believe that eventually everything will be okay and you will find your way. Remember, each of us are living in our own time. Do not compare your progress with other people. Some will be successful before you do. Some will attain their goals before you do. But that does not mean that it will not happen to you. Because you will get there in your own time. We will all get there.

My first week of school was fun. I met my friends again. The professors are cool. We are back to learn and strive more. It's all rainbow and lilies, until I get home to realize a fact. It's the last year. My last year as a student. I am a college senior now. It's scary and challenging. I am both thrilled and terrified. It is the moment in life when I start thinking about my next step. Where am I heading?

To be honest, I never imagined that I would be where I am right now. When I was 5, I pictured my life a little different. My first dream was to become a teacher. I had fun learning at such a young age. I am curious about all things. I had many ideas that I wanted to share with the world. That's why I thought teaching was the best fit for me. When I was 11, I wanted to become a writer. I fell in love with writing, and at that point, I decided that no matter where life takes me, I'm going to keep writing and inspiring other people through my message. When I was 15 and faced with a big decision to enter college, I thought I could be a good architect. I wanted to learn architecture, but still, I had doubts.

And then life happened. Up to this point, I, still, am not sure how I have gotten to International Studies. I didn't like history in high school because we only memorized stuff that were written in the textbook. The lessons were interesting, but the approach was quite difficult. I thought learning foreign languages is cool, but it's not really necessary in life. I thought studying law and international relations was boring, and too much for a lazy kid like me. I and International Studies is like oil and water, we don't mix well, we can't come together.

I have never been so wrong in my life. Little by little, my course intrigued my inner self and my real interests. It showed me my strengths and the things that I am actually good at, that I wasn't aware before. Thanks to my professors and block mates, they made me realize the fun of learning International Studies. I can see things that are confusing before become clear now. Taking this course is part of God's plan for me. Meeting all those people is a part of it, too. I will forever be grateful.

How did I come to the realization that it's all part of a big plan? I don't know. Maybe because it's better than thinking that it's a mistake. I mean, haven't we all come to the point where we think about all the decisions that we've made? Are our choices right? And then we overthink things and it start stressing us. Questions keep coming. It's an endless mind battle with yourself. "What if I don't figure my life out? What if this is all that I am and all that I can become? What if 5 or 10 years from now I am still unsure of my direction in life?" No one knows the answers, and that's what scare us most. We are all making a big decision that's going to decide the rest of our lives.

Ask yourself this, "Why am I getting scared if the future is not even here yet?" You cannot take all huge steps at once. You can only take small steps, one at a time. But with will, determination and courage, those footsteps that you have taken will get you where you are headed. It might get sturdy and long, to the point of giving up, but if you keep walking ahead, eventually you will see the end of the road. The road that you have set for yourself. Taking the small step now is a good start, and that is enough.

My favorite quote in If I Stay that applies to my life

I think people should always be notified when they are appreciated. Some never notice how the little things they do can make somebody happy. That's why it's important to let them know that you're thankful for their deeds. Do not be afraid to send your appreciation- big or small, simple or grand, because it's the little things in life that give us the most joy.

Practice saying "thank you" sincerely. Compliment a person if you think she is cute, if her dress and shoes matches her and if she did great on the exam, presentation or anything else. Greet a stranger a pleasant morning. It's not creepy. It's actually nice. You never know if that person must have needed it to go on for the day.

Be nice. Whether people do you good, bad or nothing at all, be nice. Being hurt by someone doesn't give you the right to do the same. There are two types of evil people in the world: those who do evil and those who watch them without doing anything. If the world is only composed of more people who see evil and do something about it, then the world will become a better place. Where can you find a good place to live? It's none but where there are good people. So be nice. You can't expect others to be good to you if you aren't the same to them.

Initiate a conversation. Engage. Bond. Socialize. Don't gather together only to browse through your phone. Communicate and actually converse with people. The real thing is always a whole times better than what is present on the screen.

Read. Whether it be books, magazines or news papers, read. Spend time with yourself to know what you like and what you want to do. Reflect in life. Reading is relaxing. It relieves you from stress. It enlightens you. So go on and take a book. Explore the world of the imaginative and the adventurous!

Concern yourself more about what's happening in the world. Instead of obsessing over silly stuff, or isolating yourself from everybody, why don't you read/watch the news and care a little more? It saddens me that young girls of my generation have no idea about the current issues that might affect them, but if asked to recite every details about their celebrity crush/es, they know what to answer. It's disappointing how my generation weigh the value of things. Most of us are more interested about less significant issues than the real deal.

Before deciding about something, I always ask myself this, "What will I earn from this?" I hope people will start asking themselves the same question, and perhaps this society will have a better chance to change.

Life is a series of living up to bad decisions. Where people learn to grow to the extent of becoming numb to pain and bullshit. Pain can alter one's personality. It can serve as a drive to change people. But before it does, pain reveals our true selves first, our fragile side- the one that we have been keeping to everybody including ourselves. It brings out who we really are, what we are capable of and what we hide. Then pain takes over us. Thus, turning us into somebody else we never knew.

People often resort to shutting themselves out to joy, forgiveness, and hope after experiencing pain. Due to reasons such as failing to accomplish their goals, getting their heart broken, being ignored by people who mean most to them and getting sick of wrong accusations. It's not that we intend to succumb to the pain, but sometimes circumstances have a way of causing us to view things differently. Because we get hurt, we spend more time suffering, sulking, drowning to negativity and giving in to passivity than finding out how to overcome it. Part of it may have been our fault, and we have no right to complain that we experience these ugly experiences, but try to think of it in a rather positive way. Perhaps, these are just challenges disguised as blessings. Maybe something good will come out of all these. Nobody expects you to get over it in a day. Change doesn't happen rapidly, but it's bound to happen, still. Besides, it's not only you who experience these things. Everybody does. We just don't tend to open up about our fuck ups in life. But trust me, everyone has done something that they regret or feel bad about. Everyone has something that they carry with their hearts. Everyone has a baggage. Everyone has something that they worry about. You are not the only one who feel this pain. Somebody out there feels it, too. So know that you can open up to someone and make yourself feel better in some ways. Believe in yourself that you can survive it. Because we all did. You will, too.

Remember life is a roller coaster. It will never run out of ups and downs. You will not stay forever at the bottom. Loneliness does not last forever even when it feels like it will. Instead of dragging yourself down, don't you think it's time to lift yourself up? Only people who make excuses don't want it bad enough. Hold your head up high. You got this.

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ALEX LOPEZ

Are you a fresh graduate without work experience?

Career Opportunities

Nerve-wracking Job Interviews

Acquaintances

Bills and Responsibilities

Life Plan

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